No words

I got the call today that has haunted me so many times before. My precious little miracle child you are a part of my body no more. Your soul is in heaven and your body has not made its appearance yet which makes this even harder. I wish that I could have been all that you needed and so much more, but sadly you are no longer a part of my body anymore. I wish that could have felt you move and seen your little face at least once, but that again has been taken away from me with a shock and a surprise. I hope you know that I fought for you each and every day. You have always been my wish, hope, and desire. So here I sit now feeling empty, devastated, and gutted beyond words. I have comfort knowing that you are in heaven with your brothers and sisters, but is that comfort enough? Sweet baby you were loved by soooo many even for this brief time. We had such big plans for you and had taken every precaution to make sure your little life would be perfect and I can't explain what went wrong. You were in my every thought, prayer, smile, and breath. Now I am left to wonder who you would have looked like, what would have loved to do, and why this ended so soon. Oh sweet child your momma and daddy love you very much. I soooo wish my body was enough to keep you healthy. I promise you sweet child I did my very best!

3 more pregnanies and still no newborn

After the devastating loss of that 1st child because of the ectopic pregnancy I will be the 1st one to admit I checked out. When I say checked out I mean went to that dark hole where everything seems hopeless and you have nothing left for.......you might now the place.....DEPRESSION! It took me months before I could get through the day without crying multiple times! People didn't know what to say or how to help or they would just avoid me all together because no one is ever really sure what to say to the girl who lost her baby after almost 12 weeks and almost died in the process. It was terribly hard to know all of our friends had kiddos and we had been married for years and still had not experienced our little miracle. When you are a teacher and you start teaching kiddos that you went to school with their parents things become real...real fast. They have already had their children and they are 5 and 6 years old while you are still waiting. I was ANGRY with myself because I thought it was my fault, I was angry with GOD because I thought he was punishing me for not being strong in my faith, I was angry with the people who were pregnant, I was just ANGRY! It took a good friend talking to me about her church one day when we were out shopping to turn it around for me. I went to church with her and wouldn't you know it the message was about little ol' me. It was one of those times in my life when I knew GOD sent those words for me. It felt like the pew was shaking and I could not get to that alter quick enough to reaffirm my faith. That day changed everything for me. I had the realization that losing my baby wasn't a punishment because GOD doesn't purposely hurt his people. On the contrary God have me this journey because I was strong. I didn't lose that baby.....GOD gained an angel. Since June 2010 I have been pregnant 3 more times. 2 resulting in miscarriages at between 4 and 5 weeks. This last pregnancy ended in September 2013. I was pregnant with twins. One of them miscarried while the other was tubal. I had to endure 7 weeks of weekly HCG tests after the methotrexate injection before my HCG finally returned to normal range. NOW YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HARD.....Try carrying a baby around for 7 weeks while you are waiting for your body to absorb it from your tube. That was terrible....I went through the stage where I felt responsible for killing my child. I after all did have to give the consent for the injection. After a lot of prayer that guilt went away God's peace washed over me again. I didn't kill that child. It was not living. Our precious baby had went to be with Jesus weeks before while we were here on Earth suffering for our choice. Well really we didn't have a choice...either get the injection today or have surgery tomorrow....either way the pregnancy was over before it has even gotten started. I thank God for grabbing me out of that depression because it was only through his strength that I have been able to survive these last 3 years. The only comfort we really have is knowing we have 5 angel babies waiting for us up in Heaven and they are being taken care of by our Heavenly Father. I can't imagine a better person taking care of them. Until we meet again someday Mommy and Daddy love you very much and can't wait to actually get to hold each of you in our arms!

The Impossible Became Possible......Almost

April 20, 2010---- It is our 8th wedding anniversary and we get the amazing news that we are PREGNANT! We were told in 2002 that it would be almost impossible for this day to ever come. I was so shocked that I took 3 pregnancy tests before I even showed my husband. What I thought was a stomach bug was in fact our little miracle growing! I think back to that day and I can vividly remember the joy I felt and that it was one of the happiest times in my life. I immediately call my OBGYN, yep the same guy that said it would be impossible to get pregnant, to make my 1st prenatal appointment. I am told he will not see expectant mothers until they are at least 10 weeks. I make an appointment for 10 weeks, but I was really surprised considering what I had been told by him previously. May 2010--- At 9 weeks and 4 days I experience every pregnant woman's worst fear....BLEEDING! I immediately call the doctor. The receptionist, also known as the doctor's wife, calls the doctor and tells him of my condition while she has me on hold. A few minutes later, although it feels like an eternity, she comes back on the line and says "he told me to tell you to go home and get in bed, don't go shopping or to Wal-Mart, if your going to miscarry it is going to happen on its own and we can't stop it! I will see you in a few days for your 10 week appointment." I couldn't believe my ears. I was shocked, scared, and more angry than I can ever remember being in my life. I call my mother to vent and she calls in a few favors to get me in to see another doctor in town. I go to that appointment and have some blood work and am sent to get an ultrasound done. At the ultrasound appointment the tech "could not find evidence of pregnancy" and my world came crashing down. They tried to tell my husband and I not to panic it could just be earlier than I thought, but they would send the report to the doctor. The next day the nurse calls and tells me that I have been diagnosed with a miscarriage, but I needed to come and have a repeat HCG draw to make sure my #s were going down. 7 ultrasounds, 15 HCG draws, and my diagnoses bouncing back and forth 4 different times I get a call from the nurse that says "He told me to tell you to get a D & C or a new doctor!" I could not see having a D&C when they could not verify where the pregnancy was to know where or not it was viable or not. The thought of possibly killing my own child was so appalling that I had to know with 100% certainty that it was not there before I would let them come near me. During the 4 weeks of testing they could not find "evidence of pregnancy" in any of my 7 ultrasounds and my HCG levels were taking 6 days to double. June 7, 2010--- I had to fight and threaten to sue in order to get all of my medical records from all of this testing to take to the new doctor. I was blessed enough to get an appointment with new doctor in a bigger town that had an excellent reputation and was a specialist in high risk pregnancies. He simply glanced at my records and diagnosed with a tubal pregnancy within 5 minutes of my arrival. Sure enough he was right. They found a HUGE ectopic pregnancy just under my left ovary. I underwent emergency surgery to remove it because it had gone way passed the point of being life threatening. The pregnancy they removed was almost 12 weeks size. The doctor told me I was a walking talking miracle because a tubal pregnancy going on that long without rupturing is unheard of! He was able to save my life, the ovary, and tube during that surgery. Although I didn't know it at the time, but the doctor told my husband to say his last goodbyes in case he couldn't get to the pregnancy before it ruptured. My poor husband still talks about those 3 hours as being the worst minutes of his life. He never thought of pregnancy as being dangerous until that day. It still haunts us both to some extent, but when I think about what Joe was going through while I was knocked out it makes my heart break for him. His pain started hours before mine and he held it together for me!

The Beginning of Our Journey

August 2002 After only being married 4 months I begin having unbearable pain and unexplainable bleeding. I have several surgeries and am told "it will be almost impossible to ever become pregnant!" At 21 years old you simply do not see something like that coming. Every little girl has dreams of what her life will be like when she is older. You know the fairy tale wedding, little house, white picket fence, and kiddos running around that are the perfect mix of her and her husband. A HUGE part of my dreams were crushed on that fateful day after my surgery. My husband and I did the best we could to "power through it", but neither one of us were prepared for that devastating news. I wish I could say that we clung to each or and made it out the other side together, but that would not be the case. Neither one of us knew how to cope with our loss. I will be the 1st one to admit that I shut down and iced him out. I couldn't completely understand the pain I was feeling so I couldn't talk to him about it and I was really just mad at the world. My husband is a "fixer" so when he couldn't fix me he felt helpless and like he failed me. He thought he was the reason I was unhappy when the truth of the matter was I felt hopelessly broken and it had NOTHING to do with him. We managed to "get it right" a few months later and fix the pieces that were broken in our marriage. We came back stronger and more determined than ever to make our life together the best it could be with or without children. I thank God that he brought my husband back to me because I was the one that pushed him away. I am proud to say that we will be married 12 years in April and our love is so much deeper and stronger than it ever was back then.

January 2010

Well it is has been a while now and sadly we still are not pregnant. Needless to say our New Years resolution is to get pregnant by the end of 2010. I will be 30 in September and I feel like time is running out. To help with this goal we are both going on a major diet and excercise plan because I can't help but feel like our bodies are working against us. It is no surprise to anyone that knows us that we are both overweight, but until now it has not directly kept me from doing or achieving something I so desperately desire. I now believe that if I can achieve the weight loss then maybe God will decide we will be worthy of children. We are keeping our fingers crossed that 2010 will be the year that we finally win the battle over infertility!

You have to be kidding me???!!!

September 2009 I got my hair cut this week the stylist asked me the million dollar question. "When are you having kids?". I told her that we have been having problems and we knew a couple of years ago it would be difficult. She had the nerve to reply "Well I would loan you my uterus. but I am selfish with mine!" Can you believe it???.....The nerve! #1 that is an inappropriate question in that setting because you don't just put your business out on the streets. #2 if someone is battling with infertility you don't rub it in their face that you can have a child any time you wish. Of course I tried to quickly laugh it off and change the subject because I was hurt. I tend to cover up my true feeling with jokes to take attention away from my true feelings. Even though I was laughing really I felt like she ripped my uterus out and threw it on the floor! Now that I have had to think about it the madder I get. BOTTOM LINE: THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW THE ENTIRE STORY!

Remembering the World Trade Center and Feeling like a Failure!

Journal Entry from September 11, 2009 Okay it has been a while. We once again have had another month of failed attempts, but we are not ready to give up. Joe and I both believe that everything happens for a reason and when it is God's will it will happen. I have to admit that it is very frustrating. When you grow up in a small down and you are married for a little while people start asking "When you going to have kids?" My heart tears a little bit each time I have to say "Hopefully one day soon" and I am always torn because I do not know if that is a reality. The truth is no one really knows the depth of my pain, other than Joe, and if you have never dealt with infertility you never will. Our 10 year class reunion is September 18 and part of it includes a "family brunch" in the park. We obviously don't have kids and I am not sure I am strong enough to sit back and look at everyone else's "successes" when we have had so many failed attempts. We probably won't attend the 'family' part of the reunion because it is just awkward being around other people's families when that is all you have every really wanted for yourself.