No words

I got the call today that has haunted me so many times before. My precious little miracle child you are a part of my body no more. Your soul is in heaven and your body has not made its appearance yet which makes this even harder. I wish that I could have been all that you needed and so much more, but sadly you are no longer a part of my body anymore. I wish that could have felt you move and seen your little face at least once, but that again has been taken away from me with a shock and a surprise. I hope you know that I fought for you each and every day. You have always been my wish, hope, and desire. So here I sit now feeling empty, devastated, and gutted beyond words. I have comfort knowing that you are in heaven with your brothers and sisters, but is that comfort enough? Sweet baby you were loved by soooo many even for this brief time. We had such big plans for you and had taken every precaution to make sure your little life would be perfect and I can't explain what went wrong. You were in my every thought, prayer, smile, and breath. Now I am left to wonder who you would have looked like, what would have loved to do, and why this ended so soon. Oh sweet child your momma and daddy love you very much. I soooo wish my body was enough to keep you healthy. I promise you sweet child I did my very best!

3 more pregnanies and still no newborn

After the devastating loss of that 1st child because of the ectopic pregnancy I will be the 1st one to admit I checked out. When I say checked out I mean went to that dark hole where everything seems hopeless and you have nothing left for.......you might now the place.....DEPRESSION! It took me months before I could get through the day without crying multiple times! People didn't know what to say or how to help or they would just avoid me all together because no one is ever really sure what to say to the girl who lost her baby after almost 12 weeks and almost died in the process. It was terribly hard to know all of our friends had kiddos and we had been married for years and still had not experienced our little miracle. When you are a teacher and you start teaching kiddos that you went to school with their parents things become real...real fast. They have already had their children and they are 5 and 6 years old while you are still waiting. I was ANGRY with myself because I thought it was my fault, I was angry with GOD because I thought he was punishing me for not being strong in my faith, I was angry with the people who were pregnant, I was just ANGRY! It took a good friend talking to me about her church one day when we were out shopping to turn it around for me. I went to church with her and wouldn't you know it the message was about little ol' me. It was one of those times in my life when I knew GOD sent those words for me. It felt like the pew was shaking and I could not get to that alter quick enough to reaffirm my faith. That day changed everything for me. I had the realization that losing my baby wasn't a punishment because GOD doesn't purposely hurt his people. On the contrary God have me this journey because I was strong. I didn't lose that baby.....GOD gained an angel. Since June 2010 I have been pregnant 3 more times. 2 resulting in miscarriages at between 4 and 5 weeks. This last pregnancy ended in September 2013. I was pregnant with twins. One of them miscarried while the other was tubal. I had to endure 7 weeks of weekly HCG tests after the methotrexate injection before my HCG finally returned to normal range. NOW YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HARD.....Try carrying a baby around for 7 weeks while you are waiting for your body to absorb it from your tube. That was terrible....I went through the stage where I felt responsible for killing my child. I after all did have to give the consent for the injection. After a lot of prayer that guilt went away God's peace washed over me again. I didn't kill that child. It was not living. Our precious baby had went to be with Jesus weeks before while we were here on Earth suffering for our choice. Well really we didn't have a choice...either get the injection today or have surgery tomorrow....either way the pregnancy was over before it has even gotten started. I thank God for grabbing me out of that depression because it was only through his strength that I have been able to survive these last 3 years. The only comfort we really have is knowing we have 5 angel babies waiting for us up in Heaven and they are being taken care of by our Heavenly Father. I can't imagine a better person taking care of them. Until we meet again someday Mommy and Daddy love you very much and can't wait to actually get to hold each of you in our arms!