The Impossible Became Possible......Almost

April 20, 2010---- It is our 8th wedding anniversary and we get the amazing news that we are PREGNANT! We were told in 2002 that it would be almost impossible for this day to ever come. I was so shocked that I took 3 pregnancy tests before I even showed my husband. What I thought was a stomach bug was in fact our little miracle growing! I think back to that day and I can vividly remember the joy I felt and that it was one of the happiest times in my life. I immediately call my OBGYN, yep the same guy that said it would be impossible to get pregnant, to make my 1st prenatal appointment. I am told he will not see expectant mothers until they are at least 10 weeks. I make an appointment for 10 weeks, but I was really surprised considering what I had been told by him previously. May 2010--- At 9 weeks and 4 days I experience every pregnant woman's worst fear....BLEEDING! I immediately call the doctor. The receptionist, also known as the doctor's wife, calls the doctor and tells him of my condition while she has me on hold. A few minutes later, although it feels like an eternity, she comes back on the line and says "he told me to tell you to go home and get in bed, don't go shopping or to Wal-Mart, if your going to miscarry it is going to happen on its own and we can't stop it! I will see you in a few days for your 10 week appointment." I couldn't believe my ears. I was shocked, scared, and more angry than I can ever remember being in my life. I call my mother to vent and she calls in a few favors to get me in to see another doctor in town. I go to that appointment and have some blood work and am sent to get an ultrasound done. At the ultrasound appointment the tech "could not find evidence of pregnancy" and my world came crashing down. They tried to tell my husband and I not to panic it could just be earlier than I thought, but they would send the report to the doctor. The next day the nurse calls and tells me that I have been diagnosed with a miscarriage, but I needed to come and have a repeat HCG draw to make sure my #s were going down. 7 ultrasounds, 15 HCG draws, and my diagnoses bouncing back and forth 4 different times I get a call from the nurse that says "He told me to tell you to get a D & C or a new doctor!" I could not see having a D&C when they could not verify where the pregnancy was to know where or not it was viable or not. The thought of possibly killing my own child was so appalling that I had to know with 100% certainty that it was not there before I would let them come near me. During the 4 weeks of testing they could not find "evidence of pregnancy" in any of my 7 ultrasounds and my HCG levels were taking 6 days to double. June 7, 2010--- I had to fight and threaten to sue in order to get all of my medical records from all of this testing to take to the new doctor. I was blessed enough to get an appointment with new doctor in a bigger town that had an excellent reputation and was a specialist in high risk pregnancies. He simply glanced at my records and diagnosed with a tubal pregnancy within 5 minutes of my arrival. Sure enough he was right. They found a HUGE ectopic pregnancy just under my left ovary. I underwent emergency surgery to remove it because it had gone way passed the point of being life threatening. The pregnancy they removed was almost 12 weeks size. The doctor told me I was a walking talking miracle because a tubal pregnancy going on that long without rupturing is unheard of! He was able to save my life, the ovary, and tube during that surgery. Although I didn't know it at the time, but the doctor told my husband to say his last goodbyes in case he couldn't get to the pregnancy before it ruptured. My poor husband still talks about those 3 hours as being the worst minutes of his life. He never thought of pregnancy as being dangerous until that day. It still haunts us both to some extent, but when I think about what Joe was going through while I was knocked out it makes my heart break for him. His pain started hours before mine and he held it together for me!

The Beginning of Our Journey

August 2002 After only being married 4 months I begin having unbearable pain and unexplainable bleeding. I have several surgeries and am told "it will be almost impossible to ever become pregnant!" At 21 years old you simply do not see something like that coming. Every little girl has dreams of what her life will be like when she is older. You know the fairy tale wedding, little house, white picket fence, and kiddos running around that are the perfect mix of her and her husband. A HUGE part of my dreams were crushed on that fateful day after my surgery. My husband and I did the best we could to "power through it", but neither one of us were prepared for that devastating news. I wish I could say that we clung to each or and made it out the other side together, but that would not be the case. Neither one of us knew how to cope with our loss. I will be the 1st one to admit that I shut down and iced him out. I couldn't completely understand the pain I was feeling so I couldn't talk to him about it and I was really just mad at the world. My husband is a "fixer" so when he couldn't fix me he felt helpless and like he failed me. He thought he was the reason I was unhappy when the truth of the matter was I felt hopelessly broken and it had NOTHING to do with him. We managed to "get it right" a few months later and fix the pieces that were broken in our marriage. We came back stronger and more determined than ever to make our life together the best it could be with or without children. I thank God that he brought my husband back to me because I was the one that pushed him away. I am proud to say that we will be married 12 years in April and our love is so much deeper and stronger than it ever was back then.

January 2010

Well it is has been a while now and sadly we still are not pregnant. Needless to say our New Years resolution is to get pregnant by the end of 2010. I will be 30 in September and I feel like time is running out. To help with this goal we are both going on a major diet and excercise plan because I can't help but feel like our bodies are working against us. It is no surprise to anyone that knows us that we are both overweight, but until now it has not directly kept me from doing or achieving something I so desperately desire. I now believe that if I can achieve the weight loss then maybe God will decide we will be worthy of children. We are keeping our fingers crossed that 2010 will be the year that we finally win the battle over infertility!

You have to be kidding me???!!!

September 2009 I got my hair cut this week the stylist asked me the million dollar question. "When are you having kids?". I told her that we have been having problems and we knew a couple of years ago it would be difficult. She had the nerve to reply "Well I would loan you my uterus. but I am selfish with mine!" Can you believe it???.....The nerve! #1 that is an inappropriate question in that setting because you don't just put your business out on the streets. #2 if someone is battling with infertility you don't rub it in their face that you can have a child any time you wish. Of course I tried to quickly laugh it off and change the subject because I was hurt. I tend to cover up my true feeling with jokes to take attention away from my true feelings. Even though I was laughing really I felt like she ripped my uterus out and threw it on the floor! Now that I have had to think about it the madder I get. BOTTOM LINE: THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW THE ENTIRE STORY!

Remembering the World Trade Center and Feeling like a Failure!

Journal Entry from September 11, 2009 Okay it has been a while. We once again have had another month of failed attempts, but we are not ready to give up. Joe and I both believe that everything happens for a reason and when it is God's will it will happen. I have to admit that it is very frustrating. When you grow up in a small down and you are married for a little while people start asking "When you going to have kids?" My heart tears a little bit each time I have to say "Hopefully one day soon" and I am always torn because I do not know if that is a reality. The truth is no one really knows the depth of my pain, other than Joe, and if you have never dealt with infertility you never will. Our 10 year class reunion is September 18 and part of it includes a "family brunch" in the park. We obviously don't have kids and I am not sure I am strong enough to sit back and look at everyone else's "successes" when we have had so many failed attempts. We probably won't attend the 'family' part of the reunion because it is just awkward being around other people's families when that is all you have every really wanted for yourself.

If I would have known then what I know now!

I originally started writing this blog back in 2009 when I had all almost given up hope of ever becoming pregnant. Here were my thoughts back then...... Things have been changing so fast that at times I wonder if I will look back one day and remember how my life used to be. That is the purpose of this blog. I married my high school sweetheart and the love of my life on April 20, 2002. It is by far one of the best things that I have ever done. After being together for years and having all sorts of heartache in our lives we are so relieved to finally "get it right" so to speak. Joe is my whole world and I can't imagine my life without his love and support. Recently we decided we were ready to have a "little" family of our own (pardon the pun!) I knew it would probably be difficult because after all we haven't really "prevented" pregnancy for several years, but have never really made up our mind to try either. It is hard to think about the possibility of not being able to conceive a child because that is after all God's great gift for women. My heart breaks at the thought of this never happening for us. Joe would be a terrific father and I feel like if I can't give that to him that I am failing as a wife. I have always wanted to be a mother, after all that is why I went back to school to become a teacher! After our second month of trying to conceive and a failed pregnancy test after being 2 weeks late I feel an immense pain. I know it is still early, but my mind races as I wonder if this will ever happen. Needless to say a lot has happened since 2009 and the God has really lead me to tell my story. I am choosing to follow God's will and be open and honest about my joy, heartache, pain, and struggles in dealing with infertility.